there is a quote that the famous contemporary artist Jenny Holzer uses in her work that reads: "remorse in advance is efficient."

i first came across that quote when studying her work in college and those words stuck with me and i sort of used that supposition as a guide to live by... ironically, my career out of college was being an art dealer at a contemporary gallery in boston where we showed Holzer's work and there was a plaque with that same quote right above my desk...(i got too sick to continue with my career and had to retire at age 27, but i digress, more on that later.)

anyway, what i wanted to say tonight, was that when you are suffering with a illness, there are so many things to worry about at any given time. you can choose to let thoughts of death and dying overcome you, insidious daydreams of what life will be like if you become sicker, the side effects of this and that medicine, how your close family and friends are dealing with you and your situation...
all these heinous worries most likely are with you in some level, conscious or not, at all times... however, you hold the power to let them in to your brain. it's all you.
as i said, i used to think that if i worried about everything in advance, i would be prepared for any outcome, then things, whatever they might be, wouldn't hit me like a ton of bricks, and i would be all the stronger for it.

however, finally, 15 years later, i can safely say that i think that truism as Holzer called her quotes, is not good. at least for me it isn't. there is too much stress involved in all that anticipation, too much anxiety that is more often then not, all for nothing.

one of the first keys to understanding and managing your illness is to manage or better yet, eliminate any triggers if possible. worrying makes your system start it's fight or flight response, using all it's adrenaline in the process, leaving you wipes out and as exhausted as if you had run a marathon. the last thing you need to be dealing with on top of your disease.

of course, there will be and are, plenty of legitimate things that one has to deal with and worry about, and i'm certainly not preaching to you that you ignore all those serious issues... just bringing up a thought that you think about what is real and what is anxiety that you are creating in your own mind and try and limit the toxic effects of them. easier said then done i know, i'm still working on it myself bigtime!!!!!

my point in writing this blog is to help anyone out there cope with their illness as best i can, after being sick myself for over 13 years. i have learned much that i wished someone had taught me, so that i didn't have to learn it the hard way, and i will try to remember those lessons and pass them on. i'm calling this rants from the trenches, because i think venting and ranting are so crucial to dealing with the hell that is having an illness and who knows, perhaps having a blog in which to get it all out will become my new advance efficient remorse system...
be well, jgr